Excited at the prospect of becoming toned paragons of yoga-virtue, we leave Varkala at midday the next day, suitably high on our last fix of caffeine/chocolate/insert other junk food, for the next 2 weeks.
Our destination is the Sivananda Ashram at Neyyar Dam in southern Kerala, where we have decided to spend 2 weeks learning hatha yoga, meditating and chanting about various Hindu gods (seriously!) So...what do we already know about the ashram experience before we go? Well...
1. It's an intense daily programme that starts at 5.20am, and features 4 hours of yoga daily, 4 hours of meditation and chanting daily, and various lectures and tasks to occupy us during the day.
2. Contraband items include cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, onions, garlic, mushrooms, sugar, spices and fun. (well, not really the last bit. but with all these banned items, you'd think fun wasn't allowed either)
3. Women must dress conservatively. No shoulders, cleavage or leg to be displayed, and no tight clothing (must rethink entire wardrobe)
4. Silence must be kept between 10pm and 8am and during mealtimes. (fuck, this is going to be IMPOSSIBLE for me!)
5. No phones
6. Men and women should avoid contact...no kissing, holding hands etc.
7. If ladies have their period then they are forbidden from the temple area. Cos yer dirty!
8. Each attendee must dedicate a proportion of their day doing karma yoga - selfless service towards the maintenance of the ashram.
9. 2 meals per day are served, at 10am and 6pm, and are lacto-vegetarian. Rice, beans, dal, broth etc...
10. Non-sattvic (impure) books and literature are frowned upon
11. Nae shoes. Anywhere. Great. Bring on the dirty feet, calluses, verrucas, warts....
Despite knowing all this before arriving, we are undeterred by all the rules and decide that we're giving it a go. So me and Lisa, joined by Mel and Lisa, two girls we meet in Varkala, start the fairly long pilgrimage to the ashram and eventually arrive about 6pm. It's set in 12 acres of jungle-like forest, and is absolutely beautiful.
Unwittingly though, we've arrived at probably the most daunting time to arrive; Satsang.
Satsang is a twice-daily meditation/chanting/prayer session that takes places in a large (almost) open-air hall right in the centre of the ashram action. So, as we are checking in and signing a variety of pledges about keeping silence and refuting fun etc, we are greeted by the sounds of around 200 people (most of who are dressed in yellow and white) chanting "hare krishna, hare krishna" and other fairly ominous-sounding mantras.
Naturally my first thought it "dear god, not the hare krishnas". I can't speak much for other cities around the world, but anyone who has walked down the street in Glasgow on a Saturday afternoon will know that the hare krishnas are a ferocious and determined bunch (aka really-fucking-irritating) and trying to avoid them is like trying not to step on a landmine. What if they try to convert me? Or even worse, what if I'm brainwashed? Dear god, what have we signed up for....?!
After we're shown to our room (a dormitory shared by 35 women...), it's time for some food and a whistle-stop tour of the ashram. Dinner is a mysterious rice-and-beans concoction (no-one ever tells what you are eating, and no-one ever seems to know exactly what it is. We all just mindlessly shovel bland, brown coloured food in to our mouths with our fingers), washed down the reddish coloured water that has apparently been boiled with 'special' ayurvedic herbs... Of course, I'm already convinced that "it's in the water." I'm not entirely sure what "it" is, but as every predictable psychological thriller dictates, it's in the water.
Luckily, we've arrived late enough to avoid getting too involved in the evening activities, so unpack and try to sort ourselves out, ready for our first 5.20am start.
And the start of our own 2 week personal psychological thriller...
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